The Writers’ Nook is a place where we, as a group, can provide a safe and positive environment in which to encourage one another and hone our own writing skills.
Who is narrating your story: part three
Our Theme for this meeting is Point of View, concentrating most specifically on the second person perspective.
THE FIRST CHALLENGE (ongoing)
Find a book, or something else, that’s been written in the Second Person POV
Bright Lights, Big City by Jay McInerney, submitted by Shirley Bigelow DeKelver
Where’d you go, Bernadette by Maria Semple has quite a few passages that seem to be in 2nd person pov, submitted by Phillis Jeffrey.
The song You’re So Vain by Carley Simon submitted by Phillis Jeffrey
Coyote, A Mystery by Brian Brett submitted by Joyce Adrian Sotski
THE SECOND CHALLENGE before our next meeting on April 28th.
Write a story or poem inspired by this sentence: “He woke to birdsong.”
OR….
Rewrite the story that you wrote from the two Challenges. This time narrate it from the Second Person point of view. Break the fourth wall. Speak directly to the reader and address them by using the word “YOU.”
This time, choose yet a different character that has something to do with this same story and narrate the story from their point of view. It may even be someone who wasn’t even mentioned in the first two stories, maybe an onlooker, just a bystander.
Remember, this character’s opinions, biases, and observations will be different from what you wrote previously. This person will see things differently, remember things differently and come to different conclusions than the other characters did. They might even know things that the other narrators didn’t know AND they will probably even view the other characters in the story differently.
When you’ve completed the Challenge, send it to me by email (contact me here to get my email address). I will post it. Be sure to come back to read others’ contributions so you can provide them with feedback too.
Responses to the Challenge:
The Paddler, first draft on a new story by Hal Dyck, looking for feedback.
The Kidnapping, Theo’s Second Person POV by Shirley Bigelow DeKelver
Birdsong by Phillis Jeffery
You Name Your Streets, second person POV by Joyce Adrian Sotski
Please Say Yes, second person POV II by Joyce Adrian Sotski
Yellow Crayons, second person POV by Phillis Jeffery
Old Bones Don’t Lie, second person POV by Kevin Gooden
If you are interested in joining our group, please send an email to that effect and we’ll send you an invitation the meeting.
Good Morning all and big congratulations to Karen.
I have written and discarded three stories, it seems to be beyond me. My sister when she was very little used to throw her arms in the air and say “It beyonds me” So me too at this point. I’ll take a break.
Joyce , I have had so much pleasure from the being a member of the writing community, and want to thank you for encouraging me to join all those years ago.
D
Hi Dulcie. I relate to your dilemma. I throw out more writing than I ever post. I really enjoy this writing group too and am grateful for the opportunity to write and learn with others.
Congratulations Karen!!
Hal, an interesting read. Your story has tension and a hint of the unknown. At first, I was sympathetic towards your protagonist, he had a trauma in his past, and he continuously fought to remember who he was and where he had been.
Working in low-end jobs and earning a small salary embarrassed him, as he knew was capable of so much more.
He reflected on his interest towards the young girls he worked with, waking with lustful dreams. This added a twist to your story. Is the protagonist a good person or is there more in his past, his capabilities, that have yet to be revealed?
Keep writing, I want to read more.
Hal: I found you did a good job “setting the scene”, but it went on too long. I think you have to get into the meat of your story faster or else readers will lose interest.
Hal, The Paddler: I agree with Ernie that you need to get to the meat of the story but in this case — maybe the meat of the story is the journey to understanding and getting his memory back in which case you got there fairly quickly. You caught my interest as soon as I realized that he’d had amnesia and I enjoyed the process of learning bit by bit what he could remember, and what he'd lost. Sometimes it's not a bad thing to make the reader work a little bit to understand — it helps to engage them and hold their interest.
Have you researched this from a medical perspective? You’ll need to be careful that you know what you’re talking about
You did a great job of your descriptions. I found myself understanding how he felt about the loss of his memories, knowing he'd done something and then wondering, "I have?" And the feeling of understanding his feelings about needing to do menial jobs, and not knowing his workforce history.
I thought you opened the story with good visual descriptions of the farms and buildings along the way' I could “see” them. I’ve been there. And also the understanding of his feelings through descriptions like memories fluttering away like a hummingbird.
Does He have a name? You have my interest.
Shirley, The Kidnapping: This is very interesting. When I first read it I thought, “Oh No! You wrote it in the First Person POV from Theo’s perspective.”
But then when you said, “I had written it through the voice of a character involved in the story, relating it to the reader, and incorporating ‘you’, ‘so you see’, ‘you see’ throughout.”
So now that makes me wonder. When I read it the first time I thought that by using ‘you’, ‘so you see’, ‘you see’ you were simply depicting the way Theo normally talked because I hadn’t gotten the feeling that it was necessarily directed at me; that he was talking to me, the reader.
What do the rest of you think? I think this calls for discussion!
I should also mention that this adds a unique twist to the story. I enjoyed that.
Phillis, Birdsong: I love this little poem. So many discreet thoughts hinted at, leaving it up to our imagination to fill in the blanks. Well done.
Phillis, Blackbird, second person pov: I enjoyed this poem, full of questions without any answers. Is it second person pov? I ask this question because you’ve identified that you are speaking to Mary. Well, I’m not Mary so as a reader I don’t really think you are speaking to me. And I wonder who Mary is.
So I re-read it, leaving the ‘Mary’ out of it, and it became poignant and was asking me tough questions, pointed directly at me that I wasn’t sure I wanted to answer… and I felt like asking, “you talking to me?” — because I believe it then definitely became second person pov.
Again, just like Shirley’s piece I’m wondering, what do the rest of you think?
Phillis, Blackbird, loosely based on the Beatles song This is a very thought provoking poem. Not sure that I’m making the same sense of it that you are but poems can be like that. I like it very much.
Thanks for your comments Joyce. I realize now that what I wrote was not second person, so I did some more research and I’m going to try again. I really enjoyed “Please say yes”
Shirley: I found you did a good job of writing the first paragraph in the 2nd person POV, but then you reverted back to 1st person POV. You threw in a few “you see’s”, but that seemed to add to the confusion on who you were talking to.
Phillis: I loved “Bird Song” but it’s written in a combination of 2nd and 3rd person POV (He and You). It was better in “Humpty Dumpty”, but there was still a mixture of POVs. “Blackbird” is written almost entirely in 3rd person POV.
Joyce: You did a great job of rewriting your story in 2nd person POV. As an aside, I know people get the addresses mixed up all the time but I didn’t think a GPS would. By the way, I think the convention of naming streets in the same area with similar names goes back to a goal of trying to help taxi drivers in the big cities know what neighborhood an address was in. Your second example was also a good example of 2nd person POV.
Thanks for your comments Ernie 😊 I find 2nd person point of view quite challenging but enjoy learning the technical side of writing 😊
Phillis, Yellow Crayons: This is very lovely, and touching. The loss of a loved one is always hard to talk about. I love your metaphors. And yes, this is definitely written in the second person pov.
Thanks Joyce 😊
Phillis: Bird Song: I read it, then I read it again. It was thought-provoking and well written.
Phillis: Blackbird: Another interesting poem, although not written in the 2nd person.
Phillis: Yellow Crayons: most assuredly written in the 2nd person. It was melancholy and sad. A tumultuous separation or a death are topics difficult to write about. I loved it.
Joyce: I assume your first submission was an inquiry letter to a person in charge of naming streets in subdivisions, and the second was a personal letter. Both were good examples of writing in the 2nd person POV.
Thanks for the feedback Shirley 😊 I’m excited to learn the technical side of writing. It will definitely help me be a better writer 😀
Phillis, I loved all three of your poems. They are moving and have a lot going on under the surface, I think. Nicely done. They are full and rich and lovely to read.
Dulcie
Thank you Dulcie 😊 I like writing poems /stacked thoughts. Fewer words are easier for me to express what I want to say 🙂
Kevin, Old Bones Don’t Lie, Yes, this is definitely second person pov. I had to read it twice; somehow I thought this would be the ending of the story and there would be some kind of resolution. I guess I was wrong. There’s more to this story. Am I enjoying it? Not quite; it’s rather horrific but I would like to know the outcome. You have quite a way of weaving a story. Did you know that this is where you were going when you started it?
Hal
I found the main character of “The Paddler” interesting, wondered what in the heck happened to his memory, and enjoyed the conflict between his feelings about himself versus his lack of memory, one example being “he felt capable except for the fact he couldn’t remember what he was capable of.” Nice line.
In the beginning you set the scene well—he’s in a run down part of the world, and various details illustrate it.
Mixed in a few of the paragraphs were descriptions mentioning him being on a paved road, then a gravel road, then paved again. I found this somewhat confusing and not sure it adds value, unless deliberate to emphasize his confused state of mind?
The third sentence could use some editing or rewriting. You mention the country escaped developers but wasn’t ignored by planners but was too far between towns for development. I found that hard to follow and suggest condensing it or considering eliminating it.
As a celery lover, I was aghast at your character’s inexplicable dislike of that vegetable, yet it gave him character, and gave me a laugh.
Some good potential here.
Shirley
“The Kidnapping” This wasn’t in second person POV (IMHO), but was a fun ride to see the events from Theo’s perspective and the twist at the end gave me a chuckle.
Phillis
“Black Bird” Lovely 2nd person POV poem, even with the tough subject matter. Some beautiful, thought-provoking lines. I wondered how someone could fly into the light of a dark black night, and then I got it. Wow.
Hi Kevin. Those words, “fly into the light of a dark black night” (as well as other words and phrases within this writing) are taken directly from the lyrics of the Beatles song “Blackbird”(and nursery rhymes). Is it okay to use direct quotes from other writers or is it considered plagiarism?🤔 I often weave my words into other words that are not mine. Perhaps I should rethink how I do that? Thanks for your comments Kevin 😊
Joyce
“You Name Your Streets” Aside from the enjoyable comedy of the situation, I found this an interesting way to write in 2nd person POV, which I think most of us will agree is quite challenging. The beginning and ending are clearly 2nd person. The middle would be 3rd person if it was stand-alone, but by introducing it as you did “…a few moments of your time to tell you a story…” you make it work in an innovative way. Hands clapping!
“Please say Yes” – Another fun spin on the mishap. Not sure this is 2nd person, though? “I know…” “I met… “ “I invite…” There are some “you’s” in there as well, so I’m not sure on this one.
Phillis
“Yellow Crayons” – Well done, another 2nd person beautiful poem.
Regarding your comment about inclusion of lines from other writing, I suspect publishers would be wary of including lines directly from a song or written piece and might consider it plagiarism. Also, I’ve heard they are often reluctant with new writers to publish works that would force them to negotiate rights for including quotations with attribution (because of added business complexity). Don’t know if Shirley has any experience with this?