The Writers’ Nook is a place where we, as a group, can provide a safe and positive environment in which to encourage one another and hone our own writing skills.
Who is narrating your story: part two
Our Theme for this meeting is Point of View, concentrating most specifically on the first person perspective.
Our meetings are in the form of a discussion and each member attending is invited to contribute.
During this meeting we all participated in a QuickWrite, the results of which are shown immediately below. The writing prompts for the QuickWrite can be downloaded here.
QuickWrites
Wedding Objection by E.A. Briginshaw
The Paddler by Hal Dyck
Anniversary by Kevin Gooden
He Screwed the Lid Off by Shirley DeKelver
I Thought It Was Spring by Karen Bissenden
She Screwed the Lid Off by Joyce Adrian Sotski
Old Family Photographs by Phillis Jeffery
The Wedding by Dulcie Enns
This meeting took place at 11:00 a.m. on Wednesday, March 24th, Blind Bay Time (aka Vancouver Time). If you are interested in joining our group, please send an email to that effect and we’ll send you an invitation to our next zoom meeting.
The Challenge
Rewrite the story that you wrote from the last Challenge. If you did not complete the Challenge, rewrite the story you wrote for the QuickWrite above.
This time write it from the First person point of view. You may have written the story from the point of view of one of the characters last time. This time choose a different character from this same story and narrate the story from their point of view. This time, use the pronoun ‘I’ or ‘we’ as the narrator’s voice to speak from.
Remember, this person’s opinions, biases, and observations will be different from what you wrote last time. This person will see things differently, remember things differently and come to different conclusions than last time. They might even know things that the last narrator didn’t know AND they will probably even view the other characters in the story differently.
The Paddler by Hal Dyck, looking for feedback
Old Bones Don’t Lie, First Person POV by Kevin Gooden
Writing in the 1st Person POV by E.A. Briginshaw
The Kidnapping, First Person POV by Shirley Bigelow DeKelver
The Mountain, Third Person POV Reworked by Karen Bissenden
Old Family Photographs Third Person POV by Phillis Jeffery
Old Family Photographs First Person POV by Phillis Jeffery
Cats have Feelings Too, Visiting Auntie Edna from the First Person POV by Joyce Adrian Sotski
Hal: The Paddler, I think this is a great beginning to a new story. You certainly caught my interest! And, I wonder where it’s going. And I think it will also work well for the next phase in our series of POV’s — a great story to rewrite in the first person point of view too! I’m wondering who that person will be, a teenager? a doctor?
Dulcie: The Wedding, I look forward to seeing where you take this story with the next point of view. Have fun with it.
Phillis: Old Family Photographs, You said in your email that you didn’t know where you were going with this… all I can say is, enjoy the ride! Looks like you’re going to have fun with it as you go on to the next phase.
Ernie: Wedding Objection, I laughed when I got to the end of this one! Interesting that you wrote it in the first person point of view which is the assignment for this week, which is fine because I realize that you have others to submit too.
Kevin: Anniversary, Great little story! I wonder if you’ll carry on with this one for the next POV or go back to what you’ve already submitted. Whichever it is, I look forward to reading it.
Shirley: He Screwed the Lid Off, Nightmares can be like that! I wondered where you were going with it.
Karen: I thought it was spring, Yes, I think you must make very good compost! Such is the world of QuickWrites.
Kevin: Old Bones Don’t Lie, You did not disappoint! I am enjoying the ongoing story, weird as it is, and looking forward to your response to the next challenge; after our next meeting. Well done.
Ernie: Writing in 1st Person POV, I think this will be a very interesting book. There is one thing that makes me a little uneasy about writing from this many POV’s; It feels like the reader could end up with a ‘flighty’ group of characters. The character development for each person will have to come from several different angles, depending on who is doing the describing because each one of them will see their peer protagonists through different eyes. Will the reader get a fixed sense of each character or will they be ‘all over the map’. I guess time will tell. At the moment I have a very shallow understanding of each character.
I found a few minor issues:
Chapter 2: “Clear, blue eyes that feel like they are from a different galaxy.” was a sentence I didn’t quite understand. If I did understand it, then in real life I think mine feel like they are from the forest. Do I have it right?
Chapter 3: “The automated landing system now had two competing priorities… etc.” Shouldn’t this be past tense?
And the sentence, “We have a lot of work to do.” What kind of work will he be doing? I was under the impression that he was a potential astronaut candidate.
KEVIN: “Old Bones Don’t Lie” You’re making Dean Koontz and Stephen King look like amateurs. Well written.
ERNIE: “Writing in 1st Person POV” I never find fault with your writing, always well done. I wonder if having a number of POV’s will take away from the telling of the story, not permitting the reader to bond with the “hero.” I applaud you for taking on this challenge.
Shirley: The Kidnapping, Well done Shirley. You did a great job of giving us a totally different perspective on the story. And, you enhanced the character development from the last time I read this story. It gives us a much more well-rounded peek into the goings-on.
Kevin: I thought you did a great job of writing in the 1st person POV, but I think I found the original version in 3rd person more suspenseful. Maybe that’s because I was always trying to figure out who the villain would be. In the 1st person POV, you seemed to explain things more rather than leaving the reader wondering what was going to happen next.
Shirley: You also did a great job writing in the 1st person POV. I was hoping that Zach would be the “brains” of the outfit, but it appears that they all must have been standing behind the door when they handed out brains.
Karen: Both versions in 3rd person POV. I’m still not clear on exactly what happened. If the other climbers held their positions, the rope should have saved the climber that fell.
Karen: The Mountain, I like the addition of the dialogue in this version. That, and you’ve made a few other changes that seem to add to the feeling of camaraderie in the story. I still like the last sentence best; I’m glad you didn’t change it. It’s so vibrant! I’m curious to see if you are going to retell the story from someone else’s perspective, in the first person perspective.
ps. Congratulations on placing second in the Askews Word on the Lake Poetry Contest! Well done.
Phillis: Old Family Photographs, I see you did the same thing that Ernie did by changing third person point of view to first person, by changing Mattie to I. Even though the story didn’t change very much, you definitely understand the concept between first and third. I am looking forward to reading which direction you are taking this now! May the force be with you.
Phillis: I think you did a good job changing from 3rd person to 1st person, but I think it would have been better if you made the 1st person version a little more intimate and personal. Perhaps add some more internal thoughts in 1st person. Also, the sentence “I realized my cat’s name was also Max” doesn’t ring true in 1st person. Wouldn’t you always have known your cat’s name?
Joyce: I love the idea of writing from the cat’s perspective. However, I don’t think your first two sentences are necessary. I think it would be better to infer that you’re telling the story from the cat’s perspective rather than stating it. Shouldn’t “howdy-done” be “howdy-do”? I also didn’t understand why the lady in white was chasing after the two guys with a knife?
Ernie: I cannot help but comment on two of your points. The cat says ‘howdy-done’ because she sometimes has trouble translating from feline to human language, or at least that’s what I thought when I was writing it. And the cat cannot explain why the woman was brandishing a knife at two guys but that’s what she saw. That’s exactly what happened from her perspective. It makes more sense when when you read about it from Annabelle’s perspective in the third person POV from our last exercise.
Thanks to everyone who left comments and suggestions on the first few chapters of my new book.
Chapter 1: I’ve now changed the opening to get into the story more quickly. I was trying to show that Ryan felt a little unsure and nervous when he arrived. Re his age of thirty-four, astronaut candidates normally range from 26 to 46 with the average being 34 (I googled it).
Chapter 2: I changed the word “feel” to “look” in the sentence “Clear, blue eyes that look like they are from a different galaxy”.
Chapter 3: I corrected the tense change in the sentence “The automated landing system had two competing priorities”. The astronaut candidates have a lot of work to do during training. They undergo medical training, flight training, navigation training, zero-gravity training and sometimes training in learning other languages (e.g. Russian).
Re concerns about having multiple 1st person POVs: My story will not have the traditional “hero and villain” or protagonist and antagonist. All four characters are important for the story. I was looking for a way to show them all with equal billing. Their conflicts are quite often inner conflicts so I thought that 1st person POV would be the best in showing that. Matt (the father) has an engineering mind and is always looking for ways to fix things. Lori (the mother) is more of a dreamer and doesn’t necessarily want to know the details. If she has cancer, she’d rather not know. Although they are opposites, they also envy each other’s qualities which they see in Ryan (their son). For example, Lori loves that Ryan has inherited his father’s strong chin and pointy nose that always seems to know what direction to go. Ryan is in love with Emma (the girlfriend) but is afraid she will get hurt, so he pushes her away. Yet, when Emma hears about the astronauts getting killed, it makes her want to be with Ryan even more.
As the story progresses, I’m planning to put each of them in situations where their attributes are revealed. They will each evolve during the story as they discover more about each other, and themselves. I hope I can pull it off.
Ernie: I hope you can pull it off too. It’s exciting to try something new, so good for you!
Ernie
I like the vibe of chapter two, even though it’s “just” a trip, it has an action feel, and there’s a healthy, believable amount of conflict both verbally and in Lori’s thoughts. I got a chuckle out of her “Roger that…” after his somewhat over-the-top itinerary run down. One part I thought might use a tweak was Lori’s list of Ryan’s accomplishments—“…in training his whole life, from winning…” This was very effective from the point of view of getting information to the reader about Ryan and how accomplished he is but felt a bit too much like an info dump in that Matt would already be aware of all those things. Maybe if she said, “I’m proud of how he’s been in training his whole life…. Anyway, will leave for your consideration. With the correction mentioned in the comments, I love the galaxy dreamer eyes.
Chapter 3 – Good chapter. I like how Ryan presents. Sitting and thinking about the issue long after the fact, blurting out a comment, correcting, saying he’ll be at the office first thing in the morning. He’s showing commitment, passion and work ethic. The partially failed parachute fouling up the systems is a nice touch and highly representative of real-life mishaps.
Chapter 4 – Matt and Lori’s interactions are very realistic. I liked that they were both upset about the crash news, given the new adventure their son is on. I’m not sure about them both asking him to come home. Could easily be true-to-life, but might be a missed opportunity for conflict? At the same time, a united front by the parents that is against Ryan’s wishes could be a more effective conflict between him and them. I’ll just have to wait and see what happens.
Chapter 5 – I like Emma’s nervousness prior to the call, and their discussion is believable and contains some tension regarding her moving date. Interesting chapter finish revealing she’s been packing to come immediately. I’m curious how many characters you’re going to have in the story? It’s a workable number now, but I’m not sure how many more a reader would be comfortable with.
OBDL: Your comment on the 1st person POV version of “Old Bones Don’t Lie” seeming somewhat explanatory is bang-on, but that is deliberate, which I’d be happy to explain to anyone who’s curious.
Shirley
You did a great job writing the first person POV. My only problem was I found Zach quite dislikable, so I didn’t like going for a ride in his head and liked the 3rd person POV of the story better.
OBDL: Thanks for your comment. Wow Dean Koontz and Stephen King, that’s high praise in my little world, thanks so much.
Karen
I didn’t see a big difference in this version of the story, though someone commented about additional camaraderie and I agree with that.
Phillis
“Old Family Photographs”
3rd person: This is a fun story, right up my alley with the twist at the end and the same woman repeatedly showing up in every generation photo, heh-heh. Nicely done!
I liked the detail of the black triangular corners holding the pictures, because it reminded me of looking at old photo albums when I was young. However, those old albums contained only black-and-white pictures, so I wasn’t sure if I liked the detail or not after that. If that type of album is still available, then perfect. If those types of albums haven’t been available for an extremely long time, it would be easy enough to have her looking at multiple photo albums that were in the floorboards.
1st person: accurately shifted story. Same comments above, except adding that my wife used to have a cat named Max, so I’m very glad her name isn’t Mattie.
Joyce
“Cats Have Feelings Too”
Ha-ha, you gave me some good laughs, Joyce. So many great lines! And that purring refrigerator calming Ginger, oh sorry, I mean Friesen, was hilarious.
“People enjoying seeing a beautiful cat, like me;” Anyone who’s ever had a cat will appreciate this.
Well done. I shared this story with the cat-lover at my house—she’s still laughing.
OBDL: Glad you’re enjoying it, thanks. What to do next challenge? Hmm. Don’t know yet. Maybe I can distract you with a random fact: if you rearrange the letters in challenge it gives: Hell n cage
Thanks for the feedback. Re number of characters, there will be other characters in the story (e.g. Tef and Duke), but the story will only be told from the perspectives of the four main characters.
Hal: The Paddler, I will apologize here Hal because I should have placed this story with the rest of the Challenges. You would have received more feedback. But at our meeting (tomorrow) we are going to talk a little bit about the writings that people submitted. I am interested in this story and I’ve been wondering where you are taking it. Do you know or are you making it up as you go along?