The Writers’ Nook is a place where we, as a group, can provide a safe and positive environment in which to encourage one another and hone our own writing skills.
Who is narrating your story?
Our Theme for this meeting is Point of View, concentrating most specifically on the third person perspective. Our meetings are in the form of a discussion and each member contributes.
For clarification, you may also want to download this Chart.
This meeting was held at 11:00 a.m. on Wednesday, March 10th, Blind Bay Time (aka Vancouver Time). If you are interested in joining our group, please send an email to that effect and we’ll send you an invitation to our next zoom meeting.
The Challenge
Write a story from the Third person point of view. Be sure that the story contains some action and/or tension and that it has at least three, or more than three, characters in it.
The Kidnapping by Shirley Bigelow DeKelver
Chapter 1 of my current project by E.A. Briginshaw
Old Bones Don’t Lie by Kevin Gooden
The Mountain by Karen Bissenden
Visiting Auntie Edna by Joyce Adrian Sotski
The Paddler by Hal Dyck
Shirley: A good setup for a story, but I think a few things could be improved. I found the start of the story a little confusing as I didn’t know who Zach was. You might consider switching the order of the second and third paragraphs. It didn’t sound right when the little girl asked to go to “the ladies room”. I think a little girl would say “bathroom”. There were a few phrases that you separated with commas that I think should have been separate sentences. (e.g. Let’s forget the whole thing, when this storm is over, let’s get out of here.) The phrase “She ground her cigarette in the ashtray” should start a new paragraph as the speaker changes at that point. I thought the story was building to a climax of a confrontation between Goldie and Zach, so I was surprised when he just let her walk out. It seemed a little to easy.
Kevin: I thought you did a great job in the first seven pages setting the scene, foreshadowing something bad was going to happen, and building suspense. I was trying to determine whether the villain of the story would be the father or the son. I was surprised/disappointed by the quick change of having the villain being a “man who wasn’t a man”. That seemed to come out of left field and I paged back to see if I had missed a previous clue. I found the ending of the story a little bizarre and confusing.
Thanks Ernie, your comments echo feedback I got from another reader, and I appreciate hearing about both what worked and what could be improved.
Thanks Ernie for the input. Actually the girl was a young teen. I had originally thought of saying bathroom, but I wanted to make Goldie’s confusion plausible. I didn’t expand on Zach’s reaction when Goldie left the room, as I wanted to show his cowardice. I appreciate your comments and will play a little more with the story.
‘Ladies room’ works for me. That’s what’s usually written on the door and what it’s often referred to.
Shirley
I enjoyed The Kidnapping. Great premise, descriptions, characterization, setting. The only aspect of the story that left me wondering was Goldie’s change, which seemed to come from nowhere. In the beginning, she’s quite nervous about Zach, and didn’t even have the courage to tell him his disguise was ludicrous, let alone have the gumption to challenge him.
But late in the story she shifts, stands up to him, and that’s wonderful, but I didn’t see where that came from, even with her being uncomfortable about the job from the beginning. Adding an occurrence (or memory?) that is an action catalyst could help, maybe have that in concert with the storm’s intensity increasing?
Thanks, Kevin
Ernie
Nice how you presented both 1st person and 3rd person POV’s for chapter 1, and interesting that as a reader I found hardly any difference in them—didn’t find one more compelling than the other.
Overall, the chapter is well-written, plausible, exciting to a speculative fiction guy, and has captured my interest to see what’s next in chapter 2.
I didn’t find the opening sentences/paragraphs to be attention-grabbers that hooked my interest, which didn’t perk up until I read “ASCAN.”
I liked how Ryan was thoughtful about where to sit, from an appearance perspective (saw plenty of that sort of behaviour in the corporate world); however, I didn’t like it when he decided to not sit in any of the best seats in the house—that came across as weakness, not thoughtfulness, to me. He made the effort to show up early, why shouldn’t he get any seat he chooses? Of course, I don’t know what type of character you plan him to be, including what character arc might unfold….
Is thirty-four old for an astronaut candidate? My dim and unresearched awareness of these people is that they are young (typically) but often also hold multiple degrees and specializations that theoretically would put them well into their 20’s.
Thanks, Kevin
The Kidnapping: I enjoyed the characters very much. There was a great tension in the scene and I could vividly imagine it. I did find it a surprise she got up and left with the girl / standing up for herself so quickly. Perhaps this is part of a longer piece? If not, it could be. I’d read more.
Thanks Joanne, I appreciate your input. I can certainly see this story growing.
Kevin, thanks for the input. I appreciate your comments, and can play with them a bit to enhance the story. I like the concept of Goldie recalling a memory or an occurrence, it will add to her personality and explain why she changed her mind and confronted Zach.
KAREN: Very well written, your description of the mountain and the rock climbers was vivid. I would never have known that mountain climbing was new territory for you. I think there should be more interaction between the characters, making it personal, perhaps by adding dialogue, revealing the premonition of an impending disaster.
KEVIN. Scary, description well written, and each weird character adding to the suspense. I found the short sentences choppy at times. This is definitely not my genre, but I could see your story expanding into a novella.
ERNIE:
First or third POV’s. Both adaptations worked well. I found writing my last novel in first person more of a challenge as the protagonist became more personal. Ryan came across as being indecisive, unsure of himself, and these attributes would work well in either person. I imagine he will come into his own as your story progresses. Self-made heroes are the best!
I felt your beginning was low-key, perhaps adding something that catches the reader’s immediate attention would work better.
I like your theme, it makes for interesting reading. I look forward to reading more of your book.
Karen: I think you have a very good setup for a story, but I think it needs dialogue and more character development. We need to really get to know these characters better so we care about them. With the red rock, I wondered whether it was taking place in Arizona or Utah. I found the ending happened a little too quick so it should be expanded so we feel like we’re right there with the climbers.
Thanks all for feedback. Obviously I misunderstood the assignment. I was creating the “distant author” and thought that dialogue would then bring in the people, as…people, not characters from a distance. It was a struggle to write like that. 🙂 Very funny that I got it wrong.
Karen, why do you think you ‘got it wrong’? It’s only an exercise. You wrote it in the third person, there are more than three characters in the story, there is tension… and those were the only specifications/suggestions that were given. I am in awe of your writing. The last couple of paragraphs are so intense and so vivid — wow!
Hi Shirley…part of this message may appear elsewhere. Just a wee detail. A match used for lighting a bong could not be passed over to light a cigarette. (A friend told me.) I’m not quite sure what she inhaled that relaxed her. 🙂
I’d like to know the age of the girl because it would change her behaviour in the room, in the escape and whatever she chooses to do when released.
I felt like the characters were not quite “wrapped up” at the end, or was this part of a longer story. Wouldn’t they all be arrested, (Was Goldie in disguise?) Would Theo come looking for his girlfriend?
Some actions are more difficult in this point of view “placed her arms around her shoulders”. This may be a place to use the girl’s name. Of course, considering the tension…maybe Goldie is hugging herself. 🙂 Good plot and quite plausible that a not entirely planned kidnapping would occur for financial reasons.
Kevin. Opening line draws us in immediately. I doubt the power of this line could be better in another POV. Human bones? Well, the creepy begins and stays. The sideways humour also works well in this POV–jokes between spouses about spouses. I understand what you mean (well, later), “Not for what she initially envisioned” has excellent potential for foreshadowing, but needs a slightly different phrasing.
The extensive detail of her craft room, as well of how she designs the doll eyes provides the needed contrast of her husband– The short sentence “Hiding Things.” Wakes the reader to the question where? Good hint that the father is a poker player, to be brought up later. OK, pardon me, it’s not real? Would he have had the same eyes as the doll? He is Mr. Beads, so he must have beady eyes? Why Blood shot…required theatrics? The guy must have been hanging around for a while if he has already picked his favourite doll. So? He has been digging in the basement? He brought in the flesh…some innocent citizen, 🙂 Were some of those bones from the previous owner? What made them begin to visit? Good story, creepy right through. I don’t think I’ll buy the house.
Shirley, The Kidnapping: One thing I can say about your stories — the adventures you come up with are always new, exciting and wonderful. I can see that you are going to have a lot of fun with this story as you work your way through this adventure via Points of View. It will be very interesting to watch. Good for you.
Ernie, Chapter One: I’m only going to talk about your story(s) from the 3rd Person point of view for now, since that’s the perspective we’re discussing for this week. I certainly identified with Ryan in trying to find the most appropriate place to sit. We all do things like that. After that, nothing seemed familiar, everything was new, and I found my interest peaking to learn about what it must feel like to be a candidate for an astronaut position. It’s interesting to follow because you introduce a lot in this first chapter — everything from who’s butt-ugly but has a beautiful girlfriend to the ‘screens going black’ and impending disaster for the spacecraft. I’m sure this will turn into quite an interesting book, to say nothing about the other interesting points of view.
Kevin, Old Bones Don’t Lie: The title made me open my eyes and a few sentences in when we were talking about ‘not just human bones,’ I knew I was in for another story that was a little on the wild side. I loved your description of the eyes so beautiful that you might think the doll had a soul. It’s a very interesting and unusual story and I look forward to reading it again from another point of view in the weeks to come.
Karen, The Mountain: You say you don’t know much about this kind of mountain climbing but you have a vivid enough imagination that I’m right there with you. You’ve built a lot of tension and I can understand how this story can get very interesting as you begin to tell it from other points of view. I look forward to it — well done.
Joyce: Well done. I can certainly relate to the Fairway versus Fairview confusion. I’ve redirected numerous people as they circle the block looking for a specific street number. I loved how you established Annabelle as such a confident person, with absolutely no doubt that she was in the right house. However, I think we need some little clue as to how the chief immediately recognized that she wasn’t a threat. Perhaps have her hold the knife in an amateurish way, as in holding it as if she was about to carve a Christmas turkey rather than stab someone with it. I also think you should elaborate on Annabelle’s reaction when she realizes her mistake. This piece will be much more revealing when it’s written in 1st person POV.
Old Bones Don’t Lie really caught and held my attention! Excellent story. I would love even more detail about the doll’s description. The eyes in particular was a vivid image. I could really imagine the basement as well. Very tense.
JOYCE: I love your story. Annabelle was confident, perhaps a little careless when she entered the house with the door partially open, and I liked her ingenuity in finding a make-shift weapon to confront the assumed robbers in the garage. I think you can build your story more in our next homework challenges, especially the ending when Annabelle discovers her error.
Karen – “The Mountain” is a pretty good first draft for a type of climbing you admit you know nothing about. With your detailed descriptions I saw them there. Nice detail on the eating slowly to prevent sudden sugar drop off later.
Some dialog would add to the story. I thought climbers were all roped together and supported each other so, I’m not sure how just one could fall, but you do speak to that in the story.
Joyce – haha, nice one! The outcome of “Visiting Auntie Edna” reminds me of Larry Goodenough, who I never met in person, but he and I got each other’s work emails for years, LOL.
Your story is well written regarding vocabulary, description, dialog, etc. Your superbly executed introduction to Annabelle, who is presented as being confident and powerful, implied competence to me, and set me up perfectly—I didn’t see her mistake coming until she was well into her gaffe. Well done.
Kevin: I think your story is well built. First you introduce Jake with his collection of bones, and we infer that he is obsessed, then Helen and her finickity way with crafts, and then the son who has something (?) wrong with him. All very intriguing and kept me hooked until the sad gruesome end. I never read horror but I enjoyed your writing very much.
Nitpick: follicles are sacs out of which the hair grows.
Karen
You are always very descriptive. I do think we need to know more about the individual hikers characters, personalities, and relationships with each other.
If you are interested in learning more about mountain climbing watch The Dawn Wall—-Netflix.