The Writers’ Nook is a place where we, as a group, can provide a safe and positive environment in which to encourage one another and hone our own writing skills.
Our Theme for this meeting will be Writing for the Emotions, how to create an emotional impact in your writing in order to elicit a heartfelt response in your reader — just in time for Valentine’s Day!
This meeting was held at 11:00 a.m. on Wednesday, January 27th.
IN ADDITION I’d also encourage you to download and read some of this information written by Jean Gill. It not only describes our discussion topic but provides insightful information that I’ve not repeated in the handout.
THE CHALLENGE
Write a charming piece that grabs the reader emotionally. If you are very brave, you might even want to try writing a love or sex scene! Alternatively, write anything you want to write and send it in to us for feedback from the rest of the members.
Firestorm Love Scene by Shirley Bigelow DeKelver
Remembering Dad by Kevin Gooden
Lucky in Love by E.A. Briginshaw
The Little Girl in the Red Dress by Hal Dyck, a four-page first chapter
Words by Phyllis Jeffery
The Dance by Joyce Adrian Sotski, a work-in-progress
Poems for You by Karen Bissenden
EXAMPLES of Love Scenes that we’ve appreciated and enjoyed.
Dulcie, I enjoyed your poem (which I feel falls into the non-fiction category). I pictured you watching your cat, and accepting its nature and behaviour, and your love for your pet was quite evident. Cats are mysterious, and most of them, if not all, have attitudes.
Hi everyone,
I’m new in the group. I know I met some of you at the Celebration of Creativity “launch” in the mall–great this group is available and I’m looking forward to meetings!
Looking again at The Challenge’s criteria, I see I overlooked the word “charming” when writing my piece. Oops! However, I am used to feedback from other writers so please feel free to comment away.
Shirley, thanks for your scene and introductory comments. The scene works well for me. I don’t write YA so sometimes struggle a bit when I read it, unsure about plausibility. In your scene Carlie is passionate during the kiss, but suddenly “goes cold” with her next comments (…”I like you, but nothing more.”). I get that she is worried about her breast being touched and is conflicted, but the shift seemed abrupt to me. Might be normal for YA stories though. My only other comment is a nitpick: you used the word “placed” twice in the same sentence…in the shirt, then on her breast. Deliberate repetition? Normally a bit of a journey for that sneaky young boy’s hand to get into the shirt, so wonder about other words/phraseology. The quick wording does work with her appropriate shocked reaction, so you might not want to slow down with a long description. (I get this is from a novel so it’s unlikely anything will be changed at this point). Thanks.
Ernie, your piece was charming, and it came across true-to-life. Somewhere, a long time ago, I believe I read a suggestion to not start pieces with dialog. However, I don’t follow this particular guidance, and sometimes start pieces with dialog if I feel it makes sense. In your piece the dialog not only sets the tone, but leads into some subsequent humour. Thanks.
Shirley: I know you can’t be too graphic for YA audiences, but I thought your scene was a little too quick. I’d suggest adding more content showing what was going on in Carlie’s head. Expand on phrases like “a strange sensation filled my body” to show exactly what was going on. Use all of the senses. What did her skin feel like? What did his lips taste like? What did his eyes show? Do the spoken words match those feelings? Rather than phrases like “I passionately returned his kiss”, describe it in more detail. I think if you expand on what’s going on in Carlie’s head, it won’t seem as abrupt when she pulls back. The phrase “I know you’re attracted to me” seemed to formal and didn’t sound like how a teenager would talk.
Kevin: I loved the scene, but the ending seemed too quick. I’d suggest using longer sentences near the end or else it reads like an action scene. I’d also suggest changing the tense of your last sentence to “I hope he doesn’t recognize me.” because it happens in the future.
Ernie, points taken, thanks. I flipped the tense from where I initially had it, not sure what I was thinking LOL
Hal: I’m not sure you really need the prologue. In chapter one, I liked how you built tension right away by having the little girl run off, although I’d suggest you change the tense and get rid of some of the extra words. e.g. “Mary ran down the dusty road that led away from the village, laughing
and giggling as little girls do when they escape the clutches of their mother”. However, you lose that tension when you insert all of the background information before showing how the scene plays out. I’d suggest moving the background info to later in the chapter/book.
Phillis: I love your poem because each time I read it, I get a slightly different idea of what you’re trying to say. I remember Ken Firth telling us a good poem means different things to different people at different times and I think your poem does that. I’m still trying to figure out the line “Betraying nothing”, but that is a good thing because I continue to think about it.
Thanks Ernie 😊 I remember that at one of our meetings in Blind Bay you encouraged us to “Be Brave” when the subject matter felt scary or uncomfortable so that’s what I went with 😂
Hal and Ernie: I agree with Ernie that beginning your story with tension by having the girl run off was a smart move — but I think that this particular novel will be enriched by the use of a Prologue. This is the story of a whole culture and the ordeals they endured because of their beliefs during a traumatic time in the history of the world. I believe it needs to be there, but it needs to edited to become more poignant. The stories that come from that culture, that country, through that particular period in history are an important chapter in the culture of the Mennonite Peoples who immigrated to the New World in the second wave.
Hal, your piece is an interesting view of a different world (and time) that I enjoyed. Good descriptions and introductions to the characters–certainly a loving environment during a harsh time.
The beginning “hooked me”, but got me reading your piece as though it was a fictional story, and in that mindset it seemed like you had jumped into too much back story, too soon. I wanted to know what would happen to the girl running off, and that thread disappeared until near the end. However, given this is a biographical piece, I don’t know if this presentation of events and reminisces is normal for this type of writing.
From my own experience around wheat fields (in Saskatchewan for two summers at an uncle’s farm), a couple items didn’t ring true for me (if you were given these specific details, my apologies in advance). Wheat I’ve seen did not grow as tall as you’ve described. And a HUGE no-no was walking in the field, as that would break the stalks and kill those plants before they matured. Later in the story it’s mentioned a couple of times people walking BETWEEN the fields, and that’s what I experienced. The father walking through the fields (many times) at the beginning surprised me.
Back to the little girl, I enjoyed the chapter wrap-up and how the mother carefully created a lesson for her.
Phyllis, nice poem! Clever comparison, even building to a climax, LOL. Well done.
Thanks Kevin 😊
Kevin: I liked your little story It brought back all sorts of emotion for me because I remember what it was like with my parents.
Ernie: Your little essay reminds me of the emotional experience of a good marriage.
Phyllis: Nice poem. sex with words; I love it.
Joyce: This writing conjures up a scene of intense emotion. Erotic. Memories. Making love in the tall grass.
Shirley: Cute love scene. Guys just want sex. Girls want…well…they want sex too, but they seem to wanted more. Go figure.
My story: Thank you for all the comments. They have helped me in deciding what to do with this old story. I realized it needed something and now I have an idea what it is.
It seems that emotion in writing connects the reader through their own memories and experiences.
Thanks Hal 😊
Thanks Hal.
I loved “The Dance” but I can’t help wondering if it might not be even more intimate if it was written in the first person point-of-view instead of 3rd person.
Thanks Ernie; this challenge was most certainly challenging. I started out writing it in the first person but it felt too intimate so I backed off to third person.
Joyce, you went for it! Lovely piece, beautiful.
Shirley: I see that some of the reactions to your piece are quite interesting and I agree with some, but not all. I think in many ways you captured the awkwardness of those unpolished adolescent feelings and actions. Yes boys — always grabbing — with none of the guile of the adult self they will become. Girls — flustered and not knowing how to respond. Do they usually go with their feelings? Of course not! They go with what they think they’re supposed to do, depending on whether they’re trying to do accommodate their parents’ beliefs, or follow the status quo of their peers. What is appropriate for this age? And do you think that morals should be instilled in the child through the lessons in the novel? Does the author have an obligation to instill these morals and if so, what are the current morals of the day? Should a young adult of this age believe that if they like a boy, it’s normal to let his hands stray to private spaces? There are a lot of questions here. And in agreement with Ernie, a little more insight into this particular girl’s feelings would be appropriate and allow us to feel her emotions.
Kevin: The story you told is a very sad one. It’s well written, but I feel like you are biting your tongue. You say you cried, you say he thinks it should be as simple as gluing two vases… and I love that analogy but don’t you feel like saying, “YOU left us and you !!!*?##@!!!… etc.?” If shouted at him, without stuffing your emotions, what would you say? This is just a thought, it might make the reader feel the emotions more powerfully. Doing so might help the reader come closer to feeling the emotions of guilt or duty that must be in the heart of this character.
When I was writing my piece for this challenge, I wrote it in the first person but found it too difficult to do from that perspective. A friend suggested that I write it in the third person and that changed everything. It freed me to write without reflecting on me personally.
Ernie: I really enjoyed your piece and cannot find any room for improvement. I believe you wrote it exactly as you see it and may I suggest not only chocolates but lots of flowers and maybe some very expensive jewelry for Valentine’s Day!
Hal:I believe that this is an important novel to write because the stories are important to history and to the culture of the Mennonite People. It needs editing. One of the things that I noticed most often was the frequent use of words like would and had which can often be eliminated completely without changing the meaning. For example ‘He would fix things’ and ‘he would fix the tractors’ and ‘he had won numerous accolades’ could be simply ‘he fixed things’ and ‘he fixed the tractors’ and ‘he won numerous accolades’. And Kevin is right; farmers don’t walk through wheat fields. But keep writing — these stories are important and many of our elders didn’t have the time or talent to write their stories down in such a way that they were interesting to read.
Phyllis: You talk like a newbie when it comes to writing but you have talent and finesse when it comes to writing down words and twisting emotions out of people. You have read a lot and you are not a newbie. You know exactly what you are doing. I love this poem!
Thanks Joyce 😊 Being part of the Writers Nook group really inspires me to keep writing 😊
Karen: This is a lovely poem. I can feel the emotion, the love and the want to do something for another — it’s beautifully expressed.
I LOVED your poem Karen ❤️
I know my piece needed editing: why do you think I choose to present this particular story?
I would have liked to see more passion in the love stories. I don’t tell my wife I love her very often but when I mix the sawdust from my shirt with the flour on her apron, she gets it.
Oh, BTW Kevin, I’ve never come close to a wheat field (I’m a BC boy) but I’ve gotten lost in a corn maze.
Thanks for the comments. All very constructive and appreciated.